[00:00:01] Settling Inside A Relationship. That’s the conversation we’re going to have here today, on Relationship Thursday. How are you guys doing, I’m Ron Simplified Myers, author podcaster and your uplifting life partner?
[00:00:13] Now, this one has to do with the fact that there’s two different gurus that we’re kind of on the same topic. One actually said it and another one, I guess, was actually living it. I guess it almost validates what the first gentleman said, but he made the comment that you will never marry. The person that you truly love, you’ll always end up settling.
[00:00:43] That’s got to be that’s got to be a sad thought. I mean, to think that you never marry the person you really love.
[00:00:52] You end up marrying someone that you settled with.
[00:00:59] Well, first off.
[00:01:01] You need to figure out why you have this thought about the person that you’re not with and there’s a reason you’re not with them. So obviously it’s the same thing I tell young ladies when they tell me where he was, the best thing that ever happened to me.
[00:01:15] No, I’m not here.
[00:01:18] If you’re the best thing, the best thing for you doesn’t walk out on you. So you have to learn to change the perspective and see emotions as I keep telling you, emotions.
[00:01:32] Happened before after stories, so if you’re writing these great stories about this individual. First off, this is the reason you, quote unquote, loved him so much and and why you want to be with them and all this, if you changed the story about them, then those those feelings that he’s talking about that you never marry the person you truly love, you can eliminate those feelings for that person that you had to begin with because there’s a reason you stay with them.
[00:02:04] There’s a reason they were it out.
[00:02:07] Obviously, you need to change your story and your feelings towards them will change in a heartbeat, not saying that I used to dislike them or anything, but that feeling of I need to be with them, they are the dream person. They are this and that. That would change in a heartbeat. You have control over that. So when I hear people make stories like say things like that, I said, obviously you don’t understand. First of all, we do control our emotions based on the stories that we write. But anyway, back to what we’re talking about, the settling here. There was a gentleman that I guess was actually living kind of out this particular philosophy because.
[00:02:45] He’s a gentleman. Same thing, big name, TV shows, books, I mean, you name it, big time, married three times. [00:02:59] Now, I was doing a show one time and saw a young lady come in and he’s like.
[00:03:06] I don’t know who that is. But that’s my wife now, that’s how beautiful everybody hears that and go, oh me, because, you know, people say, you know, that’s the way it works.
[00:03:17] I had one guy that even said that.
[00:03:19] He said everyone.
[00:03:22] That has found their true love, you know, instantly, and it’s you don’t know what it is, but there’s just something about them folks that’s a myth, because when I when I got together with my wife, I had no idea that she was the one.
[00:03:39] Matter of fact, I had made a firm commitment that I was going to be a player for the rest of my life. And I wasn’t settling for anybody.
[00:03:45] I knew she was fine. I knew all that. I knew I was attracted to her. Yeah, I knew all that. I wasn’t sure she’s the one because I wasn’t looking for the one.
[00:03:55] So, again, you guys know, any time I tell you, whenever you put these general statements out there, you’re usually wrong.
[00:04:04] And so but anyway. But that’s what he was saying, is that that’s the way it always works out, is that they just know not true.
[00:04:12] Sometimes it’s because you get to know the person better. Sometimes it takes the fact that you matured and and you recognize that’s why you see some people get in relationships break up and then later go back to that person because they they had to do some growing.
[00:04:26] And all of a sudden you go, wow.
[00:04:29] Do you know what I had and I didn’t realize it.
[00:04:32] So the bottom line and statistics will show you most people the relationships they usually last are people after they get a little older. And that’s why more and more people wait until later to get married.
[00:04:44] And it’s because it’s a maturity thing. That’s that’s all it is.
[00:04:48] A maturity you go through.
[00:04:51] Now, if you have two people that are young but are willing to communicate and work through the issues together until they get to the mature state, they can work, they can make it through. That’s what we did.
[00:05:05] But if you have people that are stuck in their ways as they start to get older and they start to mature and it’s kind of like, well, I’m not changing. This is who I am. This is where I see the world, their partners the same way. Yeah, you have a bumpy aids and eventually you’re going to end up divorced. But if you got two people that’s willing to say, you know what, I understand we’re growing because we’re all changing every single day, different things happen and we’re changing daily. So if you don’t have a partner, like I said before, the red flags and deal breakers are already taking care of all the other stuff we can work through. We can grow through, we can mature through. So but anyway, a lot of people don’t get those taken care of in the beginning, and that’s why they end up with problems later. But anyway, let’s talk about this settling. So this particular person, like I said, saw the woman that’s my wife, the only challenge. [00:05:56] He was married with kids who now I don’t know how you see another woman and she your wife when you got a wife at home with kids.
[00:06:09] Now, I know some of you hear that and go, well, I did it like I see I don’t see how you do it, obviously.
[00:06:18] And let’s think about this. Do you think that person’s foot was already out the door before they saw the other person?
[00:06:25] You better believe it.
[00:06:27] They didn’t all of a sudden see a person and all of a sudden switch they went from not loving their wife or not wanted to be in a relationship with their wife and what it could cost your family. And although they didn’t all of a sudden just hit because as one person walked in the door, that is the fairytale stuff. This person was already halfway out the door. So but anyway, needless to say, within about four years, they ended up divorce. Not surprising because he wasn’t committed to the relationship. Why? Because at this point he was settling because his eyes was on someone else.
[00:07:05] Now, this particular person also I can understand, I don’t know the whole story, and I didn’t try to get deep in their business, but from what I’ve come across.
[00:07:16] This particular person basically sold out the family for their own success, that they were chasing after their own success in the entertainment industry and lived in a car for a few years, which you hear then you go, that’s beautiful, man.
[00:07:30] That committed that’s that’s that’s a person who sold out. And any of this that’s that’s putting it out there, making it happen, but not at the expense of your family.
[00:07:41] Now, that’s called being self-absorbed. It’s all about you when you got a family and stuff, you better figure out how to take care of them in the process of pursuing your visions. And if you can’t do both, guess what pays for it?
[00:07:55] Your vision, because the family’s got to be your priority. For me, that’s just my belief. That’s just me now.
[00:08:03] But the reality is you can figure out a way to balance the both of them and make it happen. But when you become self-absorbed, then it’s all about you and you’re not thinking about him.
[00:08:13] Well, but anyway, back to that conversation. So this person after the first marriage broke up, you would assume the woman they saw in the in in the place, that’s where he went and got married? Nope. Now, I don’t know if this because she was married already and with kids or stuff, I don’t know if that’s why they didn’t get married but did. Bottom line, he married wife number two. You already know that wife has done that. That’s the true meaning of settled because again, his eyes are still on.
[00:08:49] This other woman.
[00:08:51] Folks, if you’re in that kind of mental, that’s why I started off talking about how you could change the way you feel about people based on stories, if your soul wrote this wonderful story about this lady, which he had done, and she’s the greatest thing since sliced bread. Don’t bring other women in the picture. Definitely don’t marry them. It’s not fair to them when you already know you’re not going to give your all you’re not willing to commit.
[00:09:20] It’s not fair to them, also not fair to you to do that for whatever reason, I guess, again, maybe she was married and he was trying to wait it out and he didn’t and he figured I’d marry this one in the meantime or whatever.
[00:09:33] I don’t know. But the bottom line, that one didn’t last. [00:09:36] Finally married number three, which was the one that he saw at the place.
[00:09:42] Now, he said the reason he had to wait is because he knew he had to have a certain amount of income and had to be at a certain status in his life for her.
[00:09:52] Really, who now? You know how I feel about that man.
[00:09:58] If I need the external stuff in order to get you, you ain’t the one I’m looking for, for me personally.
[00:10:06] And the reason I say that, because you guys hear me say all the time is always about character and integrity, because what character and integrity we can work together and accomplish the other stuff.
[00:10:18] I don’t need you to step in after I’ve already gotten accomplished, after I’ve already went out a date, everything. You’re no different than any other. I could find a ton of women.
[00:10:29] That becomes easy to find.
[00:10:32] Once you don’t already put all that working and you don’t pay the price, that’s the challenge. A lot of a lot of people have they see the finished product of a guy or the finished product of a woman. And they go, that’s what I want. Yeah, but somebody else already put in the work.
[00:10:50] But now you want the benefits.
[00:10:53] Now, what makes you think you deserve just the benefits without having to put in any of the effort? That’s the reason I’m a firm believer and we can do this together.
[00:11:03] Now, that’s not saying if you already got it, you can’t bring somebody else. That’s not don’t misinterpret what I’m saying. But if I have to go get to a certain level before you even get in a relationship with me, you ain’t the one I’m looking for, says simple. So but anyway, I guess for them him he proved that guy, I guess. But in his particular instance, he did eventually end up with, I guess, the woman of his dream.
[00:11:28] But here’s the key. There’s rumors that have been floating around that their relationship was in trouble recently and people thought they were in the process of getting a divorce. And it wouldn’t surprise me at all. Why? Because I keep saying if you marry for external stuff. Your relationship is already built on shaky ground because external stuff can evaporate. Things happen first.
[00:12:02] I mean, what are we seeing right now with this covid-19?
[00:12:08] People’s lives are changing drastically, people have had it going, oh, don’t have it going on right now in their partner to God watch you because you had it going on, is a partner that’s going to walk a walk away from you right now?
[00:12:26] Mm hmm. Why? Because they’re with you for the wrong reason, they’re with you because of what you. They’re not trying to work through challenges with you. That’s not what they’re looking. They’re looking for someone who’s already got it. And at this point, you ain’t got it.
[00:12:43] So they don’t go try to find someone else who got in. And you’re wondering why you have a relationship problems. This ain’t hard to figure out because you went the wrong path. I keep telling integrity, character. If you have the money, that’s beautiful, but look for character and integrity. And if money we don’t have, we can go get that together. But if money is the driving force on why a person is with you, your relationship is instantly on shaky ground. Just my opinion. [00:13:12] So now why are we on this topic about settling? I’ll use myself as an example and why you don’t do it and how you can do this. And up front like this young lady. I know.
[00:13:26] From a physical perspective. Beautiful, everything she’s right on.
[00:13:32] One of the things, again, because you guys know, I talk about character and integrity. She’s loyal, she’s committed whatever man she’s with, she’s going to commit to that relationship.
[00:13:42] Well, that’s a that’s a plus plus, plus, plus or minus.
[00:13:46] I mean, that’s kind of like at the top of the list as well, knowing I don’t have to worry about you.
[00:13:54] That’s Major.
[00:13:57] But then as we and that’s why you guys, again, keep hearing me say, what are you looking for? No, you’re no, no where you’re headed.
[00:14:06] What you look for in a partner so that you could do kind of what I what I did and that’s those things I was able to shake off like who?
[00:14:15] But they had to start getting in. Some of the other things I looked from the spiritual religious beliefs were headed in a different direction. Is it a person that you can really sit down and have conversation with that’s open to changing their perspectives?
[00:14:32] Not pretty stubborn odor because of my age. I mean, old or so pretty stuck in our ways. Very good at making the comment. I don’t need a man to do this. Not a whoa, ladies.
[00:14:45] When you start using those kind of conversations, I don’t need a man to do. I don’t need and I got I got this. I got.
[00:14:53] Turnoffs, turnoffs is not saying that you shouldn’t be in a position to take care of yourself. I tell young ladies all the time, be in a position where you don’t need him.
[00:15:04] But you have to be able to make him feel significant in the process.
[00:15:10] I remember who was it? Jada and Will Smith was making the comment that.
[00:15:19] He well, he was talking about it, he said, because the fact is she had her own money. So come holidays and stuff like that, he had to be very, very creative because financially. She could do it all herself, so it’s not like he can buy her something that she’s going to be impressed because she could do that herself. So it made him become more creative in the gifts and that kind of stuff.
[00:15:41] And this is kind of what what I’m talking about as far as making your partner feel significant because you can do certain things. On your own, you better find a way to make them feel significant and that they’re needed in their relationship. Or why would they be there? Why would they want to be in a relationship if you’re making it everything and this person is good for that, pretty much anything that you do? Oh, I don’t I don’t need a man to do that. I got to.
[00:16:13] So needless to say, those boxes went unchecked. So here’s the key. But once I did that, I’m not getting in a relationship. I’m not pursuing. [00:16:24] Why?
[00:16:26] Because I already know we’re going to clash, we’re going to have problems, and so that’s why I’m saying if you know this stuff, then you don’t get in a relationship and you don’t end up settling because, you know, because the stuff that I’m talking about, the things these are red flags for me.
[00:16:45] You know, I shared a couple of them with you, but there’s a couple more that are really like red flag for me. And so I know my red flags. And if you fit those, I’m not pursuing you.
[00:16:57] It doesn’t matter how like this.
[00:16:59] It doesn’t matter how attractive you are to me from the external perspectives. And that’s why, again, I keep telling guy that if you focus on the external stuff, your stuff is built on shaky ground because eventually even the external from a beauty perspective, that changes. And what are you going to do when she ate the same beautiful woman that you started dating? I know. You go find somebody else and vice versa. She watch you for that reason. She go find somebody and that’s why you see people do that or you got the people as they start to get older. They’re dying. Diner here. This is my job to see. You got all the grace and stuff in there. I people have asked me, are you going to die here? For what?
[00:17:39] That’s my. If you don’t like me the way I am, you ain’t one, I’m not going out here trying to look like somebody different. This is why again and we’re not going to get it to down here.
[00:17:52] But I’ll try to share that with you ladies. Don’t let anybody convince you. You got to put on makeup, you got to dress up, you got to do all that kind of stuff in order to be beautiful. If you have to do that to impress a guy that he did want to say, don’t don’t make this hard. See, you have a whole industry, the cosmetic, the makeup industry, all the stuff, the clothing that have convinced ladies. They’re snatching your self-esteem and make you feel bad about yourself.
[00:18:21] Why? Because if they don’t, you don’t buy their products. Just think about it. I heard somebody say if ladies went for, like, two weeks. Of not buying cosmetics or anything, that whole industry would would would blow up.
[00:18:36] I agree. So you got a whole industry that feeds on making you feel bad about yourself. Think about it. A whole industry built on making you not like the person you see in the mirror.
[00:18:49] And, you know, that’s all I talk about, is loving you some you get to that point if you want to wear that stuff because you want to dress up as cool.
[00:19:00] But if you believe you need this stuff in order to be beautiful, you need to stop. You need to cut it off because a person doesn’t like who they see in the mirror. That’s why there was a song I think I’ve mentioned before, the song where it talks about Can you love me naked and mean you strip away everything you love what you see, not just physical.
[00:19:21] Can’t you love what you see? Everything. The whole package, the whole mental.
[00:19:27] Can you love me naked? And if the answer is no. Don’t get in a relationship with someone like that.
[00:19:34] But anyway, I got off of chart there we were we were kind of talking about the settling, but I just wanted to share that example for me. But because I’m very clear when I’m here, I’m not going to settle. And this is why I share with you guys all the time. Get to that point in your place, in your life where you know and you don’t settle. But again, back to the first comments that I talked about when the gentleman said you’ll never end up with the person that you truly love.
[00:20:01] That’s a myth. And it’s only true if you believe it is the truth. But you can always change the way you feel about an individual by changing a story. And that’s what you have to do with the person that he’s saying that you ended up settling with. Why is essentially what is it about them, that story that you’re writing, that you feel that you’re settling?
[00:20:27] And if you change that story, you change the way they see them. There’s a thing that they said 10 percent when people start dating. They recognize that 90 percent of the things that they like and they ignored the 10 percent of the things that they don’t and relationships fall apart when you focus on the 10 percent that you didn’t like.
[00:20:50] And you forget about the 90 percent that you did see, it’s all stories, so if you learn and that’s what people try to teach you and they say, well, what brought you guys together and what did all that is telling you? Let’s get back to the 90 percent. What are the things that brought you to that person to begin with if you guys focus on those things? And you can turn that story right back around, sort of person that you settlement with, what story are you writing about them to make you to settling in the story you wrote about the person, quote unquote. That’s the one the love that you couldn’t get, because I guarantee you, if you changed it, if you changed the story on both of those.
[00:21:28] You will always end up with your first love because that be the person you truly love.
[00:21:35] Why, because of the story that you’re writing about them, so but anyway, bottom line, you guys now shouldn’t be sadly, but you got to know where you hit it. So as you know, it ain’t right and a wrong. It is my opinion. Now, for those of you that we talk on self-love Monday, I look forward to talking to you on Monday and then our relationship Thursday next week on to talk about this topic.
[00:21:59] We’re talking about guys dating as far as being when should they should they stay single? And you know what the number one topic is going to be? Because I heard a gentleman said you have to be financially stable or what is financially stable. But anyway, I’m back on it up here. We’ll talk about that next week.
[00:22:20] But run over to simplify Myers, that online again, Ron simplified my asked online mires inquiries. Check me out. That’s where I got everything going on. And as you guys know, if you’re not having fun.
[00:22:35] You should be doing something else, so I look forward to talk to you guys next week. Don’t settle. Get clear what you’re looking for and then write the right story for that person and you’ll end up with the person that you truly, truly love and it’ll be your first love. All right, Holla