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[00:00:01] Lower Your Standards. That’s the conversation we’re going to have here today on Self-Love Monday. How are you guys doing this is Ron Simplified Myers, author, podcaster and uplifting life partner? Today, I wanted to actually cover this because it was a conversation where a young lady was asking the question, should she listen to her mom and lower her standards or she should she continue the method in which she’s living her life because she made a description of a gentleman like she said, if you were to send her a text, this is how are you? But you just used the letter R. Instead of spelling out the word R and put the letter you, instead of writing out the word Q, is that being lower in her standards to accept someone who talks like that through a text? Well, that’s funny to me in terms of you have to come to if you’re drawing a conclusion on a person based on a text like that, you have to decide, well, first off, you got to decide what’s important to you. We’ve talked about creating the list, you know, so you know what you’re looking for in a partner. You know what the red flags are, which are the things that aren’t acceptable to you, the deal breakers, the things that you’re not willing to bend on. And you have to when you come across certain conversations, you have to decide on, is this really something that is against your beliefs, against your values, against dealbreakers, that are real deal breakers or stuff like that? Or are you drawing conclusions about an individual without enough information? Now, if you think just based on a text tells you everything you need to know about an individual one, you’re being very naive, but you have to decide on. Is something like that real crucial to you?

[00:02:04] Is that really a deal breaker or is that something you can have a conversation with someone and actually find out? Because you’ve got to ask, what’s the real problem? What’s the real issue?

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[00:02:15] Is it just because they put the R in the U.S. state of spelling it out? What’s the real underlining challenge that you’re having? And then that’s what you need to decide if the person really falls into a certain category. And you’ll only know that by having a conversation, because, for example, I’m a person that would put how are you or I’ll put a heart to says I love you.

[00:02:40] And it just just has a short. All it is, is just to create. Because my whole idea is I’m not trying to sit here and text with you all day.

[00:02:50] If we need to talk, why don’t we actually get on the telephone and have a conversation or Skype or FaceTime or something where we can actually have a conversation. But I’m not a person that wants to sit here. Just how are you? What are you doing today?

[00:03:14] Why do I am making sure that I put a question mark and making sure that I have the exclamation points and in the commas, in the right folks, you got to we got to start doing. What is really important is that something is crucial to you in making a decision of the character and integrity of an individual.

[00:03:36] Now, that might be real for her, and that’s cool if that works for her.

[00:03:42] But that’s why her mom is telling her to lower standards, because it’s like some of the things that her mom is basically saying is some of the things you might be far off base and you’re making life a lot complicated. And for a lot of people, they are. If you get to a point where you’re nit picking everything, guess what? You’ll never, ever find a partner. [00:04:05] And why do I say that? Because I guarantee you there’s things you disagree with yourself about on a daily, hourly, probably every five or ten minutes that you disagree with yourself on certain things. So just think about that. If you dated yourself based on the same criteria you’re putting out here on others, you wouldn’t date you think about it.

[00:04:30] So you have to, again, get very clear on what really is dealbreakers like for me. I had a young lady like, you know, whenever people hear that me and my wife had dated for nine years and I was sent to this one young lady and she instantly jumped in and she said a no win world on a way to nine year out of Broca, which you long time ago. And I told her, I said, well, guess what? That’s probably why you and I have it would probably never date. And I said, because you draw conclusions and you write stories without information and without facts. What do I mean? My wife and I for those of you who don’t know our story. My wife was Japanese and I say was for the elderly who again didn’t know my story. My wife passed away six years ago to cancer, but she was Japanese. And me being black, there was a racial issues involved. She had certain family members who had threatened to disown her for dating a black guy. So for a long time in our relationship, they didn’t even know we were dating, especially in the earlier years, because in the earlier years I was old again, almost story.

[00:05:45] I was out there trying to be the man. I was trying to be a player, and I was dating her and other people. She didn’t know that. But I was out there trying to be, quote unquote, the man. If you want to hear I feel about those. You got caught by the video. But anyway, but that’s kind of I was playing that role that what my guys had taught me. That’s what makes you a man. So that’s what I was kind of doing.

[00:06:05] So in the beginning, it was that gave me an excuse because the fact is she was supposed to be dating me to begin with. And eventually it got to the point where I actually started to care.

[00:06:19] And again, for those, again, my story, I had what I call the nightmare where I had this dream that I caught her cheating. Now, remember, I said I was out there of food, but I had a dream that she was and it instantly hit me. I woke up in a sweat. My heart was beating fast and I realized I actually care for her. And I called her up 12:00 one o’clock in the morning. Not like I love you. I love you.

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[00:06:39] From that day on, I was committed, but we still had the biggest challenge going on in our relationship was she had people that were very important. And I’m not going to put the names and stuff out there.

[00:06:49] But they were very important in her life who were again threatening to disown her if they knew she was dating a black guy. So, again, they didn’t even know. And eventually, probably year four or so, I got to the point where it was really starting to disturb me.

[00:07:07] Because.

[00:07:10] I told her, I said, I feel like I’m doing something wrong, like I’m messing with a married woman and I’m not doing anything wrong. And the thing that would really hit me even more is I said. Is I’m actually helping you practice lying to your family about me and about where you are and different things like that, so you can be with me. And I said, and I’m helping you to become a professional liar, where eventually you’re going to be able to do that to me. And I won’t know the difference either, because you’re professional. And I helped create that. And so but anyway, I’m sharing that with you and let you know there was subprocesses that we had to go through where eventually we worked through that. And again, all that whole process where they finally found out, we finally were like, hey, she made a decision. She you know, you guys just got to decide on me when we got to that point. And then probably a year after we got to the point where they’re like, OK, maybe we need to get to know this guy. Probably a year or two after that, we actually ended up getting married. But but the bottom line is, when you get all the information, then you know, what, a nine years. But for people that just hear a little information and make a decision like she’s doing, how are you an automatic you write a story about a person you can miss out on the best thing that could ever happen to you.

[00:08:28] And in this case, that was someone I spent 32 years with. So just think if she was short sighted and and of course, texting wasn’t going on back here, but if her way to figure out who I was was based on me putting R in a U instead of spelling it out on text. So again, I’m only sharing that example to share with you is you have to, like we said, get very clear on where you are, where you’re going, what you want out of life, what are the deal breakers. And then it’s not a thing of lower your standards. There’s just certain things that you’re not willing that that’s not acceptable. And you have to figure out why those things are not acceptable for you and are they nit picking and are they things that aren’t that serious? [00:09:20] And if they’re like, again, I always use the example from the religious perspective, because after for a lot of people is one of those things that’s that’s a deal breaker.

[00:09:27] If you’re very strong from a spiritual perspective and that’s what you want in a partner, that should be a deal breaker. That should be that’s a serious issue. You want kids. They don’t want kid. These are conversations that you shouldn’t bypass.

[00:09:46] But texting, I used that example because I was sharing I told you I was talking to one of the people that I mentor and they were telling me that the challenge they were having with their partner is had to do with texting because they didn’t like the way the person was texting back.

[00:10:05] And they were at a point where even we were having a conversation, me and the two of them and.

[00:10:13] That person made the conversation, the comment that, you know, because I’ve been you know, I’ve been by myself for a long time, so there’s no big and I was like, whoa, you can’t say it’s no biggie in front of the person you want to be in a relationship with because it makes it sound like they’re not significant. So I had a conversation with them about that comment later after we got off the telephone call, but.

[00:10:33] My point here was this is a person that they’re in a relationship with now and they open and they talk to each other about everything, which is why another relationship will work, because they’re also young people, but they’re willing to say, OK, what are you likes? Don’t like. OK, where can I just.

[00:10:50] And that’s where for me, it’s not a thing of lowering your standards if the things that you’re not willing to accept are things that are truly. Things that go against your beliefs, your values, they go against your character, your integrity, those are things, why would you lower your standards to be with somebody if they go across those type of things? But when you get to something like texting and that’s what I told the person, don’t call me, tell me that you guys broke up over a text.

[00:11:21] You better give me something real. And that’s my point.

[00:11:26] Figure it out now for. Again, I’m not here to say good, bad, right or wrong, because you guys might be in total agreement with her. Some of you would be like, yeah, if they put it on you, I’m getting rid of them. If that worked for you, enjoy.

[00:11:39] But you got to ask yourself, especially if you stay single.

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[00:11:43] Why is it that your stance single? Is it because some of the things that you’re putting out there are actually unrealistic and actually things that aren’t really important? There are things that you made important. Think about it, that’s why I said, when you know the deal breakers and you know the red flags, those are things that there’s no ifs, ands or buts I’m not willing to bend. And you shouldn’t. Then you’re not lowering your standards. Lower your standards is when you do start to say, I, I, I do want that guy that that’s God-Fearing and this and that, and you go, well, the fact that he never goes to church and he says he knows who God is and he’s not even willing to go to church. But maybe I can talk him into it.

[00:12:30] No, that’s lowering. If you want a man to go find a man that goes to church, not a man that you have to talk in to, you guys follow me.

[00:12:40] Not someone that you’re hoping that one day and always said you have to accept people just as they are. And if you can accept them as they are, then we can move forward.

[00:12:54] Now, that doesn’t mean we’re not going to have conversations down the line, but, you know, because we’re going to see the world differently. So we’re going to always have some conflict. And there’s nothing wrong with that, seeing the world differently. [00:13:06] But the road blocks, the red flags.

[00:13:11] Those are things that need to be addressed and those are things you don’t cross the line, so make sure you know the difference between those two before you start talking about am I lowering my standards?

[00:13:25] Depends on what it is that we’re talking about in our interview for me. Might not be lowering your standards, it might be you need to look in the mirror and realize what’s really, truly important. And as you guys know, it ain’t right.

[00:13:43] It is wrong. It is my opinion. Now, for those of you that we talk on self-love Monday, I look forward to seeing you next Monday. For those of you on relationship Thursday, look forward to talking to you next on Thursday and then run over to rosoff, five miles online again at five miles. That online, you see all the things that I got going on, see what’s happening in my life. And but just remember in this in the whole idea behind this conversation is this is not a thing about lowering standards as people keep trying to make it sound like you have to take less.

[00:14:16] And an example before I called you real quick is we’re talking about. I said, like my dream person, what she would look about look like, I’d say when I was younger, and it’s just a quick example again, I was saying my wife was going to either be Hawaiian or she’s going to be black because when I was younger. I just always have love, Carmel Brown Skin for some reason and still do, I just love it. And so my thing is I was like, so that’s how my wife is going to be. She’s going to have, you know, certain physical attributes, you know, that kind of stuff.

[00:14:51] And so the thing is, the woman that became my wife didn’t have the caramel skin and then and the backside, she didn’t have the attribute. And so this is an example where I tell people I said, so if you have this application that you fill out for a job.

[00:15:08] It everything they check every box.

[00:15:14] In her case, the only box she couldn’t click was Karmal Brown Skin, and we’ll call it a behind just to say you big buy, those are the only two boxes. Is that lowering standards? Because I was willing to bypass those are did I realize those two things and which are exterior things which you guys know how we talk about to begin with, you need to get the interior and get that that taken care of and find a person that connect with you there.

[00:15:45] And but anyway. But am I going to let those those things be a deciding factor on a person that fits everything else that I’m looking for? Folks, it’s not lowering your standards that’s realizing you’ve got an incredible package. And you better be happy with what you got, and that’s the way I looked at it as an incredible package, if that’s all.

[00:16:07] That’s it, really. So I’m a loser because they got a hard are you OK?

[00:16:13] So anyway, I just want to share that real quick as another example of where I’m saying recognize what’s what people call and lower your standards.

[00:16:21] Our expectation, I mean, as far as what you’re looking for, get clear what’s important and then make that decision.

[00:16:29] So, again, as you guys know, if you’re not having fun, you should be doing something else. And I’ll talk to you guys later. Take care. Bye bye.