[00:00:01] It’s Not You, It’s Me. That’s the conversation we’re going to have here today, on Relationship Thursday, how are you guys doing? This is Ron Simplified Myers (author, podcaster, and uplifting life partner). Now, this particular conversation now. I don’t know if you’ve ever said this to someone or had someone say that to you, that it’s not you, it’s me, whether you have or not.
[00:00:30] I know you’ve heard people that have used that phrase, our head, that phrase used on them.
[00:00:36] So what I want to do is kind of clarify the three reasons why that statement is actually used for some of you. You’re going to be shocked to find out the reason is actually used in most instances.
[00:00:52] The first reason that people use that is their objective is to soften the blow of breaking up in a relationship. So they’ll say, it’s not you, it’s me. I’m going through changes. I have some things going on in my life and they’ll do all this softening. Because they’re trying not to hurt you now, whether people believe it or not, that one is used, sometimes you notice I say sometimes because it is very rare. Again. Very rare that that is the real reason that people actually use that statement, even though most will try to convince you that is the major reason people use it. It’s not. It is the rare reason some people use it. The second is because they actually feel they’re not worthy.
[00:01:47] That good things don’t happen to them, their self-esteem is very, very low, so when they get a relationship with someone who they’ve identified as this person that they pretty much have almost put on a pedestal, they believe that there may be the stumbling block to this person being happy because they don’t deserve to be happy. So they want to kind of almost bow out and let this person find someone that they feel would be better suited. Again, that’s a low self-esteem to believe that there’s anyone.
[00:02:24] You guys have heard me say that before. There should never be anyone that you look at that you say I’m not worthy of them. Now, whether you guys connect, as some people say, from a spiritual or emotional or whatever you want to call it, that’s one thing if you guys don’t attract. But never, ever believe there’s anyone. That is superior to you see, unfortunately, in our society, we we make people believe because they have outside exterior things that they’re better.
[00:02:59] Nothing could be further from the truth, but anyway, moving on, we won’t get into that subject. I’ve talked about that before. Also, check out my other videos.
[00:03:08] But the third reason and the reason that most people actually use this and the crazy part is most of them don’t even know this is the real reason that they’re using it.
[00:03:21] And it’s because they really are. It really is them. They are the problem. When they say it’s not you, it’s me. They’re accurate, but they don’t even realize it. A lot of them think they’re actually softening.
[00:03:37] The first one we talked about that they’re actually softening the blow when the reality they really are the issue. Why back to kind of what we’re talking about. Number two, they haven’t done the work. They haven’t gone out and spent the time to find out their value and their worth, figure out where they’re headed in their life, what do they actually want? What are the red flags? What are the things that I’m not willing to put up with? What do I really look for? And do I fit? We’ve talked about creating a list when people talk about making a list. Have I done that? And do I qualify for the list that I created? See, because if I’ve done all the work I think about it, I won’t position myself to be in a relationship where this will become a topic where those words will ever need to be said. Why? Because the more equipped you are and know where you’re headed. You will know you will pick up on people, and I say this all the time, people will talk about how it takes so long to get to know people. No, it doesn’t. The time it takes is in getting to know you and learning what it is that you want and not being, I saw someone’s license plate today. It was talking about be unique.
[00:04:59] I disagree with that statement, because you’re are you are unique. We were all born unique. You’ve heard me use that before, I said. We’re all born unique. Unfortunately, most die coppice. That’s the whole objective, so it’s not a be unique, stay unique because you’re already there, it’s just unfortunately, we allow the world to program us and that’s kind of along with this topic here, which I’ll cover in terms of. One of the comments I heard a gentleman talking about today is one of the top relationship guys and single guy, but he still at the top, I mean, one of the major players. And what he talked about was he said when people say you have to accept people as they are, he said it’s a bad statement and is is crazy to even think that would be true because he was saying, think about it, if you’re a person, it nag, nag, nag all the time and always being negative.
[00:06:09] He said if you do it every now and then, that’s one thing. But if you do it all the time, what I have to I have to put up with that. I have to accept that.
[00:06:19] Yes, you do. That’s the stuff I teach, because I believe that to be true. Yes, you do.
[00:06:24] You accept people just as they are. Here’s why I say that there’s a difference between accepting. And agree, you guys have heard me say that.
[00:06:37] You have to accept people as they are, you have no choice. This is their life. This is their journey. You do not get to change people.
[00:06:44] It’s not your job. The only person you get to change is the person you look at in the mirror every day. Understand, when a person is trying to change you, they’re telling you, I don’t like you. So I want to create you to be the person I want you to be, that’s not your job. So, yes, you accept people as they are, that example that he’s using of the person who’s always nagging. If you’ve done the work that I’m talking about, which is you got clear on what you’re looking for and where you’re headed, if that’s not the person you want, you wouldn’t be in a relationship with them. You guys follow me, excepting in a green are different.
[00:07:29] I accept that you’re a nagger. But because I don’t agree with it and I don’t want it in my life, I’m not going to get in a relationship with you. Does that make sense?
[00:07:41] That’s why for me, that’s why I said you have to spend the time, get clear on what you want, what you’re looking for and relationships, getting into relationships. It doesn’t take that long in terms of figuring out are you headed in the same direction? I’m not saying don’t give people a chance because people change. They do. They change because life happens. Circumstances, you know, things come up in your in your life and in your perspectives that you had yesterday. They get changed today. Yesterday, you were eating all the junk foods and went to the doctor and they said, if you don’t put this out, this is where you’re headed and you’re going to head up.
[00:08:22] You got diabetes or you got whatever illness they come up with.
[00:08:25] And if you don’t cut back on this stuff, this is what’s going to happen. And all of a sudden you go, boom, you stop. See, because your perspective changed. So that’s not so when I’m saying except in people don’t take don’t misinterpret.
[00:08:39] I’m not saying that when you’re in a relationship, you just go, OK, I have to accept it. So whatever you want to do, you do.
[00:08:46] Now, that’s not what I’m saying, that you’re going to could go to extremes on everything. What I’m saying, the red flags. The things that a no go. You accept that about people? Because the fact is, it’s their red flags you just get to decide on if you want to be in a relationship with people that have red flags, I personally say no run. But in terms of are you guys going to see eye to eye, because kind of what we were saying, what the person is, that’s always nagging, obviously that’s a red flag for you. So you wouldn’t get into that relationship. But what I’m saying in terms of people changing because life happens, you’re always going and especially if you’ve done the work and you understand you’re accepting people as they are, then you’re going to get in a relationship with people that aren’t going to see eye to eye with you. That’s not what you’re looking for. But what you are looking for is someone that you can communicate with you guys remember that we talked about that before. You’re getting in a relationship where a safe. And by safe, I mean is someone that I know I can open up to, I could talk to, I can share my intimate stuff with if you just saw someone you great to have this great relationship with.
[00:10:02] That means that’s a person who’s going to hear where you’re coming from, they may not even agree, but they hear where you coming from and they’ll make adjustments. Why? Because they care about you.
[00:10:15] And it’s not a thing of what’s the word the people love to do, sacrifice, you know, people always saying because in relationships you got to sacrifice. I don’t believe you should ever be sacrificing in relationships. I just don’t because and again, I guess we need to clarify, what is your definition of sacrifice? Because for me, sacrifice means when lose someone wins, someone loses. That should never be occurring in your relationship. Never. Never. We may we have to come to an understanding, and that’s why I said it’s never going to be sacrificing I’ve used this example before where I said, you know, Terry loved to shop and I didn’t. But she wanted to go. She wanted me to go with her. So in order for me not to make it a sacrifice, I had to figure out how can I make this a win win because I know she wants me to go. So how do I make myself and I love talking to people, I love laughing and watching what people do? People are very entertaining to me. I can sit back and watch people, people watch and just laugh all day. So I’m like, what’s happening? That why she shot me? People I can get to watch. So I made it something that I can win because here’s why I’m saying the difference. You understand a different if it’s a sacrifice. Then the whole time that she’s shopping, I would be like.
[00:11:49] Ma’am, are we through yet we ready to go? We’ve been at this for at least half an hour.
[00:11:58] We’ve been at this for an hour, but now is miserable for her.
[00:12:03] She can’t even enjoy shopping. Why?
[00:12:06] Because for me, it’s a sacrifice, which means it’s going to be miserable for you. And I shouldn’t have to act like I’m enjoying it because now we got a fake relationship. You guys follow what it does. It becomes a true compromising and it becomes how do I rewrite the story was a win win. And in that particular example, I said, how can I rewrite this so that she gets what she wants and I can do what I want. And we’re both excited. You guys follow. That’s what relationships are about.
[00:12:43] I may not now there are certain things and folks don’t get me wrong, there are certain things that you’re going to come across that you really, really just don’t want to like your partner may be into opera, for example, when you really just don’t.
[00:12:56] Now, you can sit there and try to figure out a way to make it work.
[00:12:58] And just kind of like I said, where you say, I’m going to go there and look at the different tones, how high their voices go, how low or wash their wardrobes or, you know, whatever. You can figure out something if you want to. At the same time, if you have a partner. And again, that’s why I say it’s a safe place and we’re working, they’re not going to ask you to do that. You guys follow.
[00:13:20] They’re just things that if you really, truly are against, your partner’s not going to push that on you.
[00:13:27] So it’s not a sacrifice because they’re not going to put you in that environment if they know it’s something you really, truly don’t want to do.
[00:13:35] And the same thing with them, if you know something, they really, truly just don’t want to do.
[00:13:41] Why would I push him on if it’s not affecting your beliefs, your values? Everything else we can work out. Just tell her, take one of her girlfriends to go watch the opera if you’re not into it now, I know you guys have heard me say men and women can be friends.
[00:14:00] And and I and I still believe that.
[00:14:03] But I’m not going at the same time for me personally, I’m not going to let a mandate my wife. You guys follow. There’s a difference. Like I used the example you used to work. Some of the guys, she would go to lunch with them, cuz that’s lunch, they work, OK, no problem. I’m not going to listen to the conversation of me and John are going out to dinner. What are you going on with dinner for John? So you got to have I mean, if you want to go out to dinner, I go out to dinner with you, you guys follow and that’s just for me.
[00:14:38] Now, there’s there’s relationships where people don’t have a problem with that. And I’m not saying good, bad, right or wrong. Just know who you are. That’s why I said be true. Know thyself. That’s what you need to do.
[00:14:49] But anyway, back to our conversation here. It’s not it’s not you.
[00:14:55] It’s me. And then we’re talking about the second part of that and the reason I was on this subject about him saying, what was I just talking about? Where he was basically talking about all accepting people. Did you have to accept people as they are? Because if you really get to that point where you understand that I accept people as they are and this is how this ties into the whole topic of what we’re talking about is because that’s how we get to that conversation, is because if you don’t accept people as they are.
[00:15:29] Then eventually you get to the point where you go, I had enough, I’m done, and then we get to that conversation where it’s not you.
[00:15:40] It’s me as either a bail out or you try not to break someone’s heart or whatever the case may be, but you guys follow.
[00:15:49] So that conversation and that’s why I touched on that is because that leads if you don’t get to the understanding where there’s a difference between accepting and agreeing and I accept you as you are, if we don’t get to that, eventually we will get to the conversation of this is how we’re how do we break up. And that is one of the statements that is used most frequently by people in the process of trying to break off a relationship. So I just wanted to cover that topic again. But be careful of the people that you’re listening to. That’s why I wanted to share this guy.
[00:16:26] And again, I’m not not because there’s a lot of things that this gentleman shares that I’m in total agreement with.
[00:16:34] But this particular statement, when when when people were saying not accepting people as they are. You have to it’s the same thing again, I shared this before, gentlemen, was like what you’re telling me there’s people out here that’s abusing women in and out here abusing kids. And I have to accept it. I say you have to accept nothing but it.
[00:16:56] They won’t stop them from doing it. They’re going to still continue to do it. Whether you accept it or not. Accepting again doesn’t mean I agree.
[00:17:06] What you’re telling me, and he was he wanted to argue the point, I said no, what you’re saying is you don’t agree with what’s going on.
[00:17:13] Here’s the difference. You’re not accepting. Here’s why you’re upset. You’re not accepting. That’s why you’re frustrated and you’re mad at me because I’m not in agreement with you. Because you think that I’m saying you should accept the fact that they do this. That’s not I’m saying accept the fact that it is done. People do that. Yes. You have to accept this real.
[00:17:36] I didn’t say I agree with it.
[00:17:38] And when you distinguish the difference, because accepting sets me free to say this is real, it does happen. Because I don’t agree with it now. How do we resolve it? What steps can we use to prevent it?
[00:17:56] You guys follow me because when he’s not in, except as he was instantly angry, frustrated, mad at you, you’re not going to come up with the best solutions in that state of mind.
[00:18:08] That’s why I’m saying accept it, it’s real. It happens whether we agree with it or not, now that we’ve come to accept the fact that it’s real.
[00:18:19] What can we do to address the thing that we don’t agree with so but anyway, getting your relationships, spend a time get to get to. Well, I get to really talking about this second subject that we’re on where he’s an accepted people as they are, have the safe place. And that’s really what I was getting to have the safe place where your partner can open up and talk to you, share with you. And again, if she had this before, ladies, don’t tell your partner that that’s what you’re looking for. You’re looking for an open relationship.
[00:18:51] You’re looking for a guy that’s going to share everything with you. And then the moment he does, you call him weak.
[00:18:57] Because I was what was that I was watching, it was.
[00:19:04] Was it the round the red table, round table talk with Jada Pinkett, you know, her and her mom and her daughter, and they had the rapper Common on there, and he was basically talking about how he had to go get help.
[00:19:23] And here’s a guy that, you know, has the image of the real man, as everybody talks about.
[00:19:31] But you could tell as he was telling his story, if you haven’t saw that episode, watch it.
[00:19:35] You can see that he was ready to choke up a few times as they were talking. Why? Because he’s a human being. And we got to we got to quit telling guys the myth that you’re macho and you can win. Because on this show, she had a football player, the guy, same thing, who tried to commit suicide. Why, because same thing, he played football and he’s supposed to be a macho man. In the world has convinced him that, man, we can handle everything. And it almost cost him his life. And there’s many men who have died. Who have committed suicide because of this exact same subject.
[00:20:19] Listening to this garbage that the world continues to give. People will tell you that the men that go get help are weak. I believe just the opposite. When you’re brave enough to allow the tears to flow, when you’re brave enough to know that you need help and you go get help, that’s real strength because you know, it’s not what the world expects. It’s not what is acceptable to the world. Or we should say, and for most people is not even acceptable, but it’s not in agreement with people also.
[00:20:57] But you do it anyway, why? Because I’m not caring about what the world thinks, I’m doing what’s best for me to live the life that’s going to give me to the journey that I say I want. Because, folks, the world will mess you up.
[00:21:15] And that’s the whole thing of everything that I keep sharing on self-love Monday in your relationship, folks, this is about taking control of your life.
[00:21:25] Doing what’s best for you and your journey and quit letting the world dictate it for you because they don’t know.
[00:21:33] Evidenced by all the challenges we keep having and relationships. The challenges of just like on this show were, you know, she had people in there wanted to commit suicide, all because they’re letting the World Program now, folks quit doing that. So as you guys know and I know I got off on a different tangent there, but that was just something that all of a sudden he had and it was on my heart and it’s something that I felt I needed to share. We got to get strong and guys and talk to the men here.
[00:22:03] Don’t let the world make you think believe that you’re weak if you need help, go get it. And tell them they can take a flying leap if they don’t like it. This is about and I’m and I’m telling you that from the heart. Because folks, as I’ve said before, if tears want to come in a situation, I mean, they’ll float. You can call me whatever the heck you want to.
[00:22:24] I want to get that message across to the mayor, too, if you do it, that’s why I laugh when I see you guys at at funerals when they got on the sunglasses inside the church. Trying to be macho, that’s not macho to me, I look at it just the opposite. I’m like, you’re letting the world dictate for you how you should you should react. Take off the glasses and tell the world, this is me.
[00:22:51] Take me as I am. They don’t like it. That’s their problem. And as you guys know, what a right and a wrong it is.
[00:22:59] My opinion now for those of you that we talk on self-love Monday, I look forward to talking to you next Monday for those on relationship Thursday. We’ll talk to you again next Thursday. Please join me again at some of the topics you want to talk about and and run over to Ron Simplified Myers’ that online again, Rossett, find that online. You’ll see all the different things that I have going on and indefinitely let me know the things that I’ve said, how it’s affected you, how it hasn’t affected you.
[00:23:29] Oh, things you agree with, things you don’t agree with. Things you wish I talk on. I mean, all of all of its value.
[00:23:36] Because like I said before, dawn has all the answers. I’m sharing my perspectives in a right or wrong. They’re my opinions. So, again, I look forward to talking to you guys soon.
[00:23:46] And remember, if you’re not having fun. You should be doing something else. I’ll talk to you later. Take care. Bye bye.