[00:00:01] Desire Attracting The Person You Want and The Relationship You Want. That’s the conversation we’re going to have here today, on Relationship Thursday. How are you guys doing? This is Ron Simplified Myers author podcaster and uplifting life partner. Today, I wanted to share with you this topic because I actually was listening to a video of a guy who has a relationship, quote unquote, expert. And it just amazes me that a lot of the people that are out here talking on relationships, as I’ve said before, majority of the top speakers are single. So they’re basically like interview experts, because what they’re doing is getting their information from other people’s relationships, and that’s not saying that’s bad because they’re just passing on information, but they’re not talking from experience.
[00:00:58] And then some of these people have no business whatsoever because I’m not they’re just given messed up information because they’ve been hurt and they’re giving bad information to others that’s going to keep them messed up in relationships. But anyway, just be careful who you taking your advice from.
[00:01:21] But this particular gentleman who actually does, I think, a podcast and has a YouTube channel and a young lady called in, was asking questions because I guess she makes six figure income and she’s basically saying that she thinks she kind of wants to be with a guy who’s earning six figure income because the guys who were making less didn’t really they didn’t really connect or whatever. And so this guy’s goals on and plus she’s like, I think like 35 she says she was and she had a child. Not that any of that should matter, but those are things that she brought up.
[00:01:53] So this guy was asking her on a scale of one to ten, what does she think she was as far as her physical appearance? And she said that she considered herself about a five, and if she puts on her makeup and everything, she’s about a seven. So he goes on to tell her your average looking at best.
[00:02:14] Now this is, quote unquote, an expert. That in itself would have been enough to say, why am I listed to him?
[00:02:22] The conversation should have been over. She should have never followed him again. I should have been at the end of it.
[00:02:28] But she proceeded to go on and torture herself some more. And and it amazes me when people do that, because just because a person claims to be an expert or the world has given them a title or they’ve given their self a title, that’s why you don’t hear me run around. Tell me I’m an expert, folks. I’m going to give you my opinion. I’m a share with you. My experiences, things that I have read, things that maybe I have gotten from other people through kind of an interview process. But majority of things that I’m going to share from you, from actual personal experience, being with the same person for thirty two years, going through the racial stuff, going through the can have kids going through fighting with her with cancer, losing her to cancer. We have some obstacles. So again, it’s not a person that that’s just talking. So but anyway, this gentleman goes on and basically tells her that guys that are earning six figure income aren’t looking. You know, for women that have a kid that’s that’s 35 this average. And what he’s basically saying and you guys have heard me say that, too, there are a lot of gentlemen and this is not all. So that’s why I said you can’t listen to a person who talks like that, because he makes it sound like a blanket statement that guys that earn his income aren’t looking for certain people. But there is a truth in the sense that a lot of guys who have a lot of money are just looking for eye candy, which means a woman that they do feel is beautiful from the exterior because money they’re not looking for.
[00:04:01] So now they just looking for more trophies. So as a lady, hopefully you wouldn’t fall into that trap to want to be with a guy who only sees you as a trophy in terms of your outward appearance, because eventually that outward appearance changes and then he’s going to dump you for someone else. In most instances, not all, because all is a bad word, but in most instances because he’s with you for the wrong reason. Just like when people chase money, when the money disappears or there’s a money issue, the purse is going to disappear. Why? Because they’re with you for the wrong reason. That’s why I always tell people look for integrity and character because you want to look for the stuff that’s there. This is them. And we can get the external together. So I know I’ve driven that home many times. But anyway, this gentleman just goes on and he’s just basically talking bad to her. And then he came up and you could tell he just got frustrated because she was, quote unquote, not understanding what he’s trying to say, that she’s just average and she’s like, you’re being mean or something. And he said, Man, I’m so tired of you broads.
[00:04:59] And I happen to have looked down. I was looking down for something. I was why the video was on and so was I heard the word brought my head popped up. I said, did he actually say Braw?
[00:05:10] I’m like, whoa, that in itself, you should have called him what he was, which is a whole jerk.
[00:05:19] You don’t have to say that. Don’t get me wrong. You don’t have to attack people because, you know, like I said before, don’t let other people change who you are.
[00:05:24] But that should have definitely been the thought process and it should have been nothing else he could have said at that point. And for me, anybody that listens to his podcast, the moment he said branch should have been the reason you stop following me. And and again, I’m not here to tell you what to do, what not to do your own thing. But I’m just saying his comment, calling women broads, let’s you know, he has no respect for women.
[00:05:51] Period. Hee hee hee hee.
[00:05:55] Wow, when I heard that, I just was like and he’s a relationship expert, he’s calling women broads.
[00:06:03] He has no respect for women, so why would you allow someone who has no respect for women to be a person you look to for relationship advice? They don’t know.
[00:06:17] They don’t even honor the people, don’t talk about getting a relationship with. So you hopefully wouldn’t want to be in a relationship like that with someone who would let you know they don’t honor you. That’s one of the key that we talk about, desire and how you feel about yourself and all that. You better make sure you love yourself. And if you’ve got somebody to decide to disrespect, you don’t get in a relationship with them. But anyway.
[00:06:40] But that’s why for me and not only brought this up that I just saw that and I was fresh in my mind, but that’s what I’m saying, the desire. Why would you desire the opinion or care about the opinion of someone who has no honor, no respect in you? And I’m just using that gentleman as an example. But any time that you’re out here looking, if a person and we talk about the red flags are, as we’ve heard Maya Angelou say, when people tell you who they are, believe them. When a person lets you know that they don’t honor you as a woman, a guy who was going to call you average, he ain’t the guy you’re looking for. See, he made a general statement again about men who got great income, aren’t looking for women to thirty five. Want a child. That’s thirteen. He’s speaking for himself and he is speaking for some guys because there are a lot of guys that would fall into that category. But to make a broad statement.
[00:07:41] It’s not accurate.
[00:07:43] And he’s not a guy that you’re looking for and not a guy that you want to take advice for it. You have to have I keep saying learn to love you some. You put yourself in the positions of knowing where it is you’re going in your life. And if you place yourself in the right arenas, you will find the guy that you may even look at yourself as average and which you need to work on your self-esteem.
[00:08:05] Because average, according to who you guys have heard me say many times, get out of the comparing business. That’s why people have relationship issues, because you’re comparing your partner to other people and other relationships instead of saying this is our relationship and let’s make our relationship work and we’re not concerned with the outside world. So when someone says your average, are you saying it yourself? Compared to who? Into what? Don’t let the world get you caught in what they’re classifying as beauty because everyone gets to determine for themselves what beauty actually is. So even in her case, considered herself average as a five and then thinking makeup makes her seven. To me, that’s a very low self-esteem because to me, I’m not a makeup person to begin with. So those of you that wear it, I’m not attacking you. Good for you. Enjoy yourself. I want to see you natural. That’s me, I guess, because all the women around me that I was raised up with don’t wear makeup. So I’m used to seeing natural. I love natural. I want to see you being new to me. Makeup makes you someone else and you’re not. And again, don’t don’t attack me, ladies. I tried to each his own. I want you to love the person you see in the mirror with all the makeup, everything off, as I once said, naked, naked. Just you. Just as you are. If he can’t look at you and love you the way you are and say you’re five over here in a seven because you put on makeup, he’s the wrong guy.
[00:09:36] My opinion.
[00:09:38] You got to be beautiful to me regardless. And that’s why I like to see you natural. But anyway, so we talked about the desire on attracting the person you want on the outside now inside the relationship, the reason people will have challenges inside the relationship. And here we are getting more into the intimacy and some of the sexual stuff that goes on when when relationships stop working from that perspective.
[00:10:04] And the easiest way to explain this is using, as you guys have heard me talk about before, Tony Robbins, six human needs. And there’s six of them. You have certainty, uncertainty, significance, love and connection. And then you have I mean, what? MAN Five and six disappeared on me, but five is growth and then six is a contribution.
[00:10:29] But anyway, I lost it there for a second. But anyway, we won’t talk about five and six, which is growth in contribution because those two happened to do with when you take care of the first four in your relationship, then you want to obviously you’re growing, which is five and then you’re going to want to share that growth with others. What you see who are struggling in a relationship, which is six. So when we’re talking about bringing in the desire and the connection, we’re only dealing with the top four, C five and six that come later after we got our stuff together.
[00:10:57] Ok, but anyway, those for the certainty and uncertainty that is so important in our relationships, because in the earlier stages there was a lot of uncertainty in the relationship and that’s when the guy came and brought you flowers or he wanted to get to a nice restaurant or she did, you know, she cooked you a nice dinner, you cooked her a nice dinner, whatever the case may be. But you guys know what I’m talking about, the uncertainty in the relationship. You were excited every day to talk to each other because you didn’t know what was happening. Some certainty has to take place in a relationship if you guys have decided that you’re going to commit to each other. I need to know that you’re actually committed to me. That’s some certainty in that relationship. But when the relationship becomes so certain, where every day I know what we’re doing, I know.
[00:11:38] I just know everything is for certain. There’s no uncertainty against certainty in some areas.
[00:11:46] Good uncertainty, very important in any relationship. Uncertainty is variety. The moment the relationship becomes so certain that you know everything, it becomes what they call boring. You guys get to understand that if I know what I’m getting, what I’m going to do when I wake up in the morning, I know what I’m to do for lunch. I know where I’m going for dinner. I know what we’re going to do. We’re going to sit here and watch a movie. We’re going to do whatever everything we know for certain what’s going to happen that becomes boring and you have to break that up.
[00:12:22] And that’s why, unfortunately, some people end up looking outside because they’re looking for more of that uncertainty that that you guys had early in relationship. And that’s why you have to have date night and you have to be able to think of at times, how can I surprise my partner or do something? But we got to keep that start, that uncertainty in in those areas.
[00:12:42] We want some uncertainty like variety and things that we do in our relationship. And for some of you, might be different sexual stuff, more power to you, but whatever it is. But you got to keep that uncertainty in your relationship and not become too certain. And you guys know where your person needs to be certain. You need to quit badmouthing your partner. You need the negativity. You got to take out all those kind of things is because the mind doesn’t know the difference between what’s real and what’s not and doesn’t try to distinguish that. And since the mind is not trying to distinguish what’s real or not, if you keep putting negativities out there or even if you keep watching the news, which is, you know, a lot of that stuff is depressing and you keep seeing your partner and you’re seeing negative, even if you guys aren’t necessarily talking to each other negatively, what you need to cut out if you’re doing.
[00:13:32] But if you see it and you see your partner, you start to link up negativity, your partner, you guys, we don’t even realize a lot of times subconsciously we’re creating this because we’re linking our partner to negativity that they don’t even deserve. But all of a sudden we see them and we got a negative thought about them and they haven’t even done anything.
[00:13:57] But we’ve linked up the negative things going on to the world in the world when we were in a negative state of being. Because, remember, impact is the key to to what changes people’s habits, where you can change that habit immediately. Remember that, you know, we talked about you can change a habit in about 21 days, whatever it is, you do some consecutively for 21 days. It becomes a new habit. But you can create a new habit quickly by impact. So if you got a negative impact, that’s why there are certain songs you hear that you can immediately remember where you are. There’s incidents that we’ve heard in the world as far as maybe accidents that that happened in the world like the 9/11 or for those of you you know, we talk about what happened with Kobe on the airplane, on the helicopter and things like that. A lot of people, because of the impact of what happened, they can immediately link what they were doing when that occurred and they’re linked. And now it’s a sad emotion attached to that incident. And if you happen to be there, then there’s sadness. There’s a link to you also when that when that occurs. So be careful what you link up.
[00:15:08] We have to take be responsible for what we’re linking up and recognize those things. But anyway, if your partner if you realize that when they when things are popping up and you instantly have these negative emotions, you got to visit that and see why those things appear and then address those and addressing those means. I need to have a conversation with my partner if they are. The reason is not because I’ve linked up something, because I have to address that, but if it’s something that they’ve done or something that I didn’t like the way it was done, then we need to have a communication, that conversation.
[00:15:39] Speaking of linking things together, hopefully that Balgowlah Gold going off links this video to your memory whenever you want to have a conversation about bringing desire and attraction into your relationship.
[00:15:55] So staying on that topic with the certainty, uncertainty is the same thing where if every night you come home, you put on certain clothes, certain outfits because you’re trying to get comfortable. So it’s understandable, but there’s nothing about that that is sexy. And normally when you’re doing it, you weren’t trying to be sexy, you’re trying to be comfortable. But think about it. If you do that same thing every day, you’re creating that certainty, then it’s a relaxing certainty, which is good. But there’s no variety. There’s no uncertainty. And that so therefore, you’re not going to create that vibe in you, nor are you going to create that vibe in your partner. And ultimately, your relationship starts to seem boring. That’s why every now and then you may have to come in with a certain outfit, just put it on, change the outfit and come in are some people’s case. You just come out with nothing on. There’s some uncertainty. You shock your partner or your partner off real quick and but different things. You guys know what I’m talking about. It’s like if if your relationship becomes so certain all the time you’re doing the same things, it becomes boring and the relationship is going to have challenges. And you don’t have to look outside to bring that uncertainty. You just have to recognize you have created certainty in your relationship and then strive to bring that uncertainty into it is what you did when you first got together. That’s why you guys were so attracted to each other. But again, what you focus on becomes a reality. And if your focus is only on the certain, that becomes your reality. There is no uncertainty and the relationship starts to dry up. So make sure you put more focus back on the uncertainty.
[00:17:46] There was something I heard and I’ve heard that before where I said in the early stages when people started dating, they looked at the 90s. Their focus was on the 90 percent of things that they agreed with and they ignored the 10 percent. And relationships break down when they focus on the 10 percent and forget the 90 percent saying this is the same example of that, because the 90 percent in the beginning was the uncertainty. So course, that was exciting times. And the 10 percent, the normal stuff, the everyday stuff, we didn’t even pay attention to it. But ultimately we start to recognize that’s all we do. Now, the 10 percent, the certainty is all we get and we got to recognize the other 90 and go back to that and create the uncertainty. So hopefully I know you guys got where I’m staying there, but that’s the uncertainty. Uncertainty, which was two of the four in the other two, is is significant and love and connection. And here is you got to know again, what’s important to your partner is a significant is it love and connection and. For people that want to be certain that they feel significant. Back to what I mentioned earlier about the negative conversation and the little jabs that you do, they’ll start to accumulate because in most cases you don’t apologize for those jabs. But trust me, those jabs your partner remembers well, and those things start to accumulate to eventually your partner starts to resent you. They don’t even know why. You definitely don’t know why and you’re not even prepared for it. And all of a sudden you get that partner to say, yes, I’m done.
[00:19:33] I’m finished.
[00:19:34] I’ve had it and catches you totally off guard and you’re like, whoa, where did that come from? And it’s because all this time they weren’t feeling either significant, if that’s important to them or they weren’t feeling the love and connection, if that’s important to remember.
[00:19:51] We talked about the six human needs. Those last two again, we talked about growth and contribution, which will happen as we get taking care of these first four, because most people spend their life in the first four and they never get to the growth in the contribution. See, the growth is when we get good at what we’re doing and then we want to contribute to the world what we’ve learned and help them out. And most people never get to that. So they live in the first four. But in those four, you need to know what’s important to your partner is a certainty. Isn’t the uncertainty. The variety is a significant it’s a lovely connection. You got to figure out which one it is and you’ve got to make sure you spend a lot of time in that arena because that is important to them. Again, find out what your partner wants and needs are in. Give it to them. They will turn around and do the same thing to you and your relationship will work. So anyway, but you’re only going to create that, as you guys heard it said.
[00:20:47] I mean, people say about women, women don’t want to have they won’t have sex or make love in the bedroom.
[00:20:55] If you don’t make love outside the room, folks, that holds true for men to. That’s why you guys always hear me say it is the same. I don’t get into the male female is to say, trust me. Now there are some guys that are very immature that don’t really care. And they’ll they’ll go to bed with anyone and anybody any time, anywhere.
[00:21:15] That’s just where they are. But if someone’s in a relationship with you and it is a committed relationship and they’re not happy with you, male or female, they’re not attracted to go into the bedroom, male or female.
[00:21:31] And so, again, you have to recognize because of your partner, even as the male, as we make it sound like men are animals and can’t control himself as a guy.
[00:21:40] If I’m upset with you right now, I don’t want to go in the room with you.
[00:21:44] Why? Because only guys that would want to go in are the guys that are very self-absorbed. And I say that and I know that may offend some guys. I hear that. But it holds true for women, too. But if you can go in there and you got problems with your partner, but you’re just thinking, but I can go take care of me, that’s a self-absorbed individual because it’s only about you. You have to be willing to say we need to get the challenge resolved first when we get that taken care of in the relationship is working. That’s called making love, because now you’re with someone you want to be with, you’re in love with and you’re having sex connected. All that together that’s making love. It’s not where some people do it. Every time they have sex, they say, I’m making love. No, you’re not. You’re having sex. They are different. Sex is sex. Love is accepting people just as they are person, place or thing. And then the intimacy is when we can bring all that together. We can call that making love. But anyway, so hopefully just go out again, figure out on those four, make sure those are happening in your relationship, that you do have certainty where it’s needed. But make sure you put a lot of focus on the uncertainty, which is what you had at the beginning, which is what the excitement in the relationship, make sure that stays there and in the right areas.
[00:23:07] Everything don’t need to be answered. I don’t need to know beyond certain that you ain’t committed to the relationship and you guys understand that.
[00:23:13] And then also significance, make sure your partner feels significant and that means quit tearing them down, quit taking the little jabs and then loving connection. Find out what makes your partner feel loved and make sure you get that to him. So, again, as you guys know, in a right and a wrong.
[00:23:30] It is my opinion now for those of you who we talk on Self Love Monday, I look forward to talking to you on Monday for those of you on relationship Thursday. I look forward to talking to you next week, next Thursday. But whatever you guys are doing, go out here and understand that the desire to your partner, even if you feel like you’ve lost it, you can bring it.