[00:00:00] The four elements to intimacy, that’s the topic we’re going to have today here, our relationship Thursday.
[00:00:09] How are you doing? This is Ron Simplified Myers, author of the book – The Relationship Success Handbook. Get Rid of Your Problems, Not Your Partner. Now, first, let me apologize for this particular podcast. Getting out a little later than normal had some technical issues, but we got it out and we’ll be back on track Monday, OK? But for today, let’s get this out and let’s talk about the four elements to intimacy. The first one is going to be ‘Security” – making sure that your partner feels very, very secure inside of your relationship. I remember back in my younger days, Terri, and I used to, you know, like if she was supposed to come over at a certain time and maybe she was a little later or vice versa, I was a little later than normal or whatever the case. But the bottom line is we would instantly make the little comment, “So what were you doing today, hanging out with your boyfriend” or what was she doing today, hanging out with your girlfriend?
[00:01:08] And we came to realize that those which a lot of people I see doing, they try to say is fun and is, you know, you’re just kidding with your partner. But those are the things you don’t want to do. Why? Because the mind doesn’t know the difference between what’s real and what’s not. That what you focus on becomes reality. Not saying that you’re going to cause them to cheat, but it becomes a reality in your mind that maybe they are, because the more you talk about it, the more you start to question is. So now all of a sudden when things do happen to seem a little strange, a little off, you start to go, maybe she was with her boyfriend or maybe she is with some other guy. I mean, this is not the normal process and you’re instantly making them a bad person and creating insecurity in your relationship because of what the conversation that you guys are having. So for me, those are the kind of games and those are the kind of conversations I remember even again, we had some friends one time that would joke and say. My wife can cheat if it’s a certain star and then vice versa, you know, so they both giving each other the OK that if it was a certain star, then they understand why my partner cheated. And when I heard that, I already knew their relationship was in trouble, because for me personally, to each his own, but for me personally, nobody gets a pass.
[00:02:44] Nobody I don’t care how famous that person is, because that’s basically what they’re saying is because the person has a name or, you know, because they have money or whatever, they’re looking at it. They’re basically saying, I’ll give you a pass if you cheated with that person. No, no, you don’t get a pass. I’m not giving you the OK for nobody. I don’t care how much money they have. I don’t care their their status in life. If I’m not for my wife sleeping around, I’m not for my wife sleeping around. I’m not going to make exceptions to that rule and I’m not going to expect her to make exceptions to the rule. But the bottom line is playing that conversation in that game gives you the idea that it’s OK to cheat.
[00:03:33] Needless to say, that couple ended up divorced. Why? Because he ended up cheating. Interesting not saying that’s why. But you left the door open. What you want to do in your relationship is just the opposite. You want to make sure your partner feels very secure, at least whatever you can do to make them feel secure, because if they’re an insecure person, they’re insecure, you know, because you guys know, I said you don’t control a person’s emotions. You’ll never be able to do that. But you have to do your part.
[00:04:06] In other words, if I tell you I will be there two o’clock, if I’m running behind, I need to communicate with you why I’m running behind you. Say, hey, you know what? I have to stop at the store real quick, you know, but I’m a be there about 215. You see what I’m saying? That’s respect, first off. But then you’re also building security because the person knows they can count on you because of anything falls out of tech. We’re keeping in touch and letting the other partner knows what’s going on. Now, I know for some people they have that issue. Like, I don’t I’m not a spy, no child, OK? I have problems in your relationship because you’re looking at it from that perspective versus saying, I want to make sure that I build security in my relationship and it’s out of respect that I’m actually doing it. So that’s the first one. Let’s get that security inside of our relationship, at least doing your part, because like I said, again, if they’re insecure, you can’t make them secure, but you can at least do the things that you know, you know, when you’re hiding your phone, that build what insecurity?
[00:05:12] We all understand that, you know, person can’t get into your phone for whatever reason that builds insecurity. Not that they should want to necessarily play in your phone, but I’m just saying. But if you’re hiding it. Ah, they say, let me use your phone. I need to make a call and we need to have their phone. If you can’t give them your phone, then all of a sudden they’re going to feel insecure. So but I know you guys get the idea, you know what security is, make sure that’s inside of your relationship. And then we’re going to talk about communication, which you guys know. I think there’s two keys to relationship. One is accepting people as they are, which I call love. That’s number one. And then the second one, of course, is communication. And your communication comes in different forms. You got to be to speak the person’s language. And we’ve heard the stories about, you know, you may have read the book about the different languages. I talk about the six human needs, which you need to understand what’s what are the needs of your partner, not guessing, knowing what those needs are. And normally, they’re going to need to tell you that. And in a partner’s case, quit trying to make your partner guess what those needs are. Let them know these are the things that I need. If there’s something they’re not doing, let them know. You know what? I’d appreciate it if that are the you know, what makes me feel loved is when you do that are you know, I’m not feeling love when you do.
[00:06:38] But the bottom line is, as we know, communication is key. And you guys have heard me use the analogy of a person. When I went to a seminar, they were saying the wife was telling the husband because he was a football fan. She was like, you know, when I first got on team, I felt like the star, you know? And you had me in on the commercials. You had me up front, you know, at the photo shoots and you put me on your shoulders just like I was just a star. And now, you know, I feel like maybe I’m on the third string or maybe you don’t even realize I’m on the team. So I guess what I’m saying is play me or trade me. And it’s like any one that’s into sports, understand, trade me, we serious, and that’s when your partner goes full time, I hold up what you mean by trade me. Hopefully we don’t have to use those kind of drastic conversations. But the bottom line is you got to communicate to a person in a way that they understand. And that’s just an example of a way you can communicate with people, especially if it’s a serious conversation that you need to have with them so that they really get where you’re at. Because, again, I’ve shared if you tell them I feel like crumbs on a table and you just knock me on the floor, well, I have no idea what crumbs on the table feel like.
[00:07:53] So therefore that example doesn’t work. But if I use something that they’re passionate about, that they’re passionate about, not something you’re passionate about. Remember, we’re speaking their language, something they’re passionate about, then they can get in the story and really feel it, which is what you really want. That’s what communication is all about, is getting in someone else’s shoes. And that way you understand where they’re coming from. So that’s the second one. Then we want to have some experiences, some romantic experiences and romance means different things to different people. This is, again, back to the communication part. You got to find out from your partner what it’s romantic to them. And again, this is not a guessing. Folks, don’t get upset when your partner asks you. I know a lot of people that go through these issues, like what they should know are they should this is not a guessing game. If you don’t ask and you don’t receive, you can’t be upset. You need to be able to communicate to your partner what it is you like, what it is you would like to experience. And again, you can surprise a person. But here’s the key. I could surprise you and still not be romantic to you. You guys follow.
[00:09:10] That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t have those folks. Don’t don’t misinterpret that. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t surprise your partner or things that you think would be romantic. That’s not what I said. I don’t mean they have to always tell you. And then that’s your bill. Well, I never knew and she wouldn’t tell me what made romantic. That’s why I didn’t do it. Know that that. Hey, you can use some of some sun spot. What is it?
[00:09:31] So not spontaneity or whatever the word, but anyway, you could try to guess and and be spontaneous and try some things and see what will work.
[00:09:44] And you can find out from if you’re a man you can find out from other young ladies, hey, what would you consider a romantic and get ideas or read books? Because I don’t want to get in that topic either because I know something you’d be like. No, if I go ask another woman, my my wife would get mad at my girlfriend, get mad, think I’m cheating or whatever. [00:10:00] So if you know your partner, you know your relationship, you may have to go to tapes and CDs and all that, which you got other issues you guys need to resolve. That is a problem.
[00:10:10] But the bottom line is find out what works in your in your situation and have some remote so romantic experiences to add that spice into your relationship. Because, again, that’s what you hear a lot of people say is, well, my relationship with boring, we don’t do anything. When people talk about guys in the chase where they say, well, that’s just a man thing, men in a chase, that’s garbage that’s made up stuff. And it’s like as human beings, it comes down to variety, which you guys have heard me talk, which is part of the 60 Minutes. We have variety and we have and then we have stability, which means stability is when we know how everything’s going. Variety means just that we don’t know. Sometimes we just let’s just go do it. If you don’t, you need both. There’s certain areas like we’re talking about before. When we talk about the security, that’s the stability I want. But if every day we get up at the same time, we go to work, we come home, we have dinner, and we do this every day, that is going to equal boredom because there is no variety.
[00:11:18] There’s no mixture in there anywhere. That’s why you have to put that in your relationship. You could do that without going outside your relationship. You have to figure out how to be creative. And I’ve even heard who was it. Will and Jada talked about that one time Will and Jada Smith had talked about because they both have money. They’re like it calls them to be more creative in their thought process on what could I do, like even on holidays or gifts or anything. They always had to try to figure out something that didn’t necessarily cost money. Again, for some people, that’s going to be their first time away on the money. Do not. That’s where they’re at. They got money, so they had to figure out things. What could we do that doesn’t cost money? Because the fact is anything they were going to do money wise, their partner could do for themselves if they chose to follow. So they had to come up with creative things to make it a romantic event. So with that said.
[00:12:17] You really can use that word that that ideals if you don’t have money, because that’s what they were doing. So don’t let that be an excuse.
[00:12:25] Why you don’t add variety and romance into your relationship. And that kind of takes us to the fourth part of this intimacy, which is touching and touching is not only sexual. See, for some of you, they got excited when they heard. Oh, yeah, touch and run, which you got a headache. Yes. That is important in a relationship. But touching could be just hugging, holding hands, putting your hand on a person’s shoulder, giving them a hug when they come home. Just little things like that. You just rub the back of his neck or is he the same thing with her? You know, those little just touching, massaging their shoulders? You know, those the touching. It doesn’t always have to be sexual. But folks, there’s nothing wrong with that part either. You need somebody to. So if so, that’s what I’m saying it. But I don’t think that touching you heard that saying you got to make love outside the bedroom if you wanted inside the bedroom. And that’s really kind of you understand these four tips to intimacy. You’ll notice that your romance, your sexual stuff in the bedroom will increase, or at least the time that you do it, there’ll be more intimacy involved. Why could you’re giving your partner security, which is going to make them feel very comfortable in the relationship, which and that’s why I said earlier about being comfortable in a relationship, if it’s the same thing, though, which is kind of the stability where everything’s the same, we’re going to have to add some variety in there.
[00:14:10] Certain areas. We need security. We need stability in other places, variety. So I know you guys know the difference. You know where your partner needs the security and you know where you need the variety. So they don’t feel that the relationship is getting boring. And if if you’re the partner that you feel like is getting boring, then you need to communicate. Which we talk about is number two. You need to communicate. You need to let your partner know. Hey, honey, you know, I was thinking we need to go do this. This is you know what I was thinking we could go do a lunch or don’t put it on one partner. This is not a I think I shared that. I had the conversation. I remember my first Valentine’s Day when when we got married, my wife came home and, you know, I got home before her and she’s like, So what do you have planned? And it was our first Valentine’s Day being married. And I said, well, I was thinking, you know, we’ll we’ll go, we’ll have dinner and then we’ll go grab a movie.
[00:15:11] You don’t have it planned.
[00:15:14] I was like, huh? I just told you, go do dinner. And folks, she was offended in her feelings, was hurt and she was totally upset. And I know a lot of you ladies are here. It is you in agreement not to be mad at you, to cut you out. And so I let her pout for a little while. And then I told her, I said, well, first off, maybe I misinterpreted it. I never understood Valentine’s to be man show the woman he cares. Dey see, all my life I had been taught it was it was for couples and it’s pretty much you were showing your partner. So it wasn’t a man’s job that this was specifically again a man showing a woman on this particular date and I could still be wrong. I still haven’t heard that, that, that being changed, but that’s what it means. So I told her. So you didn’t plan today at all? You left it totally on me and then I said it then. Secondly, here’s what I’d do since you need the date at the world picked to know that I care, I’ll mistreat you 364 days a year. But I’ll make sure on that day on Thanksgiving, I mean Thanksgiving that day too. But on Valentine’s Day, I’ll make sure I do something special for you on that day so that you know, I care, since obviously that’s the day that it proves I care because the world said. And she’s changed the whole environment and most of our Thanksgiving, I don’t know why I’m on this Thanksgiving thing, but anyway, most of our valentines after that, we pretty much would stay home, sit back and watch a movie together, get some food, pop some popcorn kickback. We enjoyed the time together, but see, we didn’t get caught in what the world was telling us as far this is the day you show your partner you care.
[00:17:02] You should be doing that all year round. So for some of you, that might be a rude awakening for you right there. Just that one conversation about Valentine’s Day because you’re beating your partner up on that particular day because the world told you think about it. So but anyway, so a recap of those for security have to have that in your relationship. Then you have to also communicate. And then you also have to have those experiences, some romantic experiences, get out of the house, although sometimes you could set up some romantic in the house. But for a lot of us, you need to get out of the house to create the romance because you’re in the house so much. And then that that last one is touch. Got to have some touch. And we’re not talking again. Always in the bedroom, in the bed. It could just be regular touch, just holding the hand, given a hug. So anyway, make sure you do those for and watch your relationship go to a whole nother level. So as you guys know, in a right and a wrong, it is my opinion. Again, I apologize for getting this podcast on late today, but we’ll make sure we’re back on track come Monday. And so for those of you who we do the self love, I look forward to talking to you on Self Love Monday and then those of you for the relationships. I’ll see you next Thursday on relationship Thursday. So, as you know, if you’re not having fun, you should be doing something else. I’ll talk to you guys later. Take care and enjoy.